Trudge

On finishing undergrad…

anti-cray-poem-a-day:

To the top we go
Just once more, ‘round one more corner
Pick it up! We’re climbing, we’ll catch the apogee
That high noon! The tippy top, we’ll get it!

Too many mornings, I’ve seen the rise
Drunk too many mind-numbing sleepless nights
Drunk them in with a rush of blood to the head
Gulping air, puffing out my chest: a front against panic, fatigue

My eyes are too bleary for this
I can’t see the screen anyway, with its words streaming by
Words streaming? Tears streaming!
Brain screaming!

Tough, tough it to the top
High knees! Keep the knees high, the steps’ll come easier
The chin higher! Crane it to the top
Here it comes, the sun

Can I collapse now? Go back home? I wanna
No! Trudge on, you made it here, through eight years, what’s one day more
One day more could ruin me! Nonsense, you’ll do it time again
Shhh, here it is!

Crystals rim my vision, ice at mountain’s peak
My last valiant breath (will) hoists me despite my dragging self
Body rises past the threshold to Nirvana
Yet still my head swings down

It’s here! Arise! Behold the glory of fruition!
An apex capped in gold, the sun
I collapse and fall into the fold of inanition
I told you, he says, this is what it feels to be done

Done, done, a twenty-thousand times done

Till he picks me up for round two, no three, four
And I’ll go again till go I’ll no more

And sleep not on cold mountains of fruitless achievement
But in the plush arms, the valley of thoughtless contentment
Where shade cools my ego, puts me to rest

I’ll be free there
In the valley of hopeless delight
With fruit and good fortune, no more of that torturous
Spiteful and tireless trudge to the top